Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

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Dream log, and poly weirdness.

Dream involved a comedy of errors in an attempt to sleep with Shawn.

If I were being perfectly frank with myself, I'd be either somewhat scared, somewhat intrigued, or both. It's a complicated history, and if I were to allow myself, I'd fall head over heels in love again. I'm poly. I don't stop loving people just because I started loving other people. And goodness knows Darkside isn't being the most cooperative people to have fallen madly in love with. (Doesn't stop me from loving him, though...) But having sex dreams about Shawn and some of the random thoughts I've had when I've been around him on the phone means that there's what garnetdagger considers a "danger" (her wording) of me falling for him again.

When Dagger says "danger", she means it. If Darkside and I are somewhat of a social mismatch ... well, if a random reader thinks we aren't, there's nothing I can say that would be able to convince them that we're not, but ... I have problems with self esteem and social situations. It's difficult for me to trust that someone actually cares about me sometimes. But when I'm in my right mind, I have no doubts that Darkside does care. For someone who doesn't express emotion well, he's done a good job at somehow reassuring me that I'm cared about. (the swap between my right mind and my wrong mind is vast, and anyone catching me in my wrong mind should send me to bed.)

But. Shawn is distinct danger to me, because (BDSM terminology) he's not a good Master. He does not provide the care that a submissive needs, doesn't do the "I am master, I'm in charge, which means I'm responsible" wellness checks. There is history. There is bad history. Dagger has forbidden that I take up with Shawn again, which means that as much as Shawn and I would get on like a house afire in bed now (memory says that our kinks are eminently compatible now that I've grown more into mine) ... no. Absolutely not.

Thank you, Darkside, for being a wonderful man and respectful of me...

My teenage fumblings of sex with Shawn were just as much of a comedy of errors as the dream was, which I find refreshing and amusing. Oy. Oy vey. My sex dreams tend to be extremely realistic, and feature the correct personality of my partner(s) as I know it. And. Yeah. Not happening. What garnetdagger says, goes.

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