Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic
azurelunatic

South Dakota, and [But I'm A] Nice Guy[s] vs. [genuinely] nice guys

Seen it all over: help get a Planned Parenthood on the rez in SD! http://community.livejournal.com/be_bold/212948.html (this isn't the original; the original's in someone's personal journal somewhere.)

divalion: No More Mr. Nice Guy
(with supplemental http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml re-pointed-out by elorie)


And my take...

When I catch myself thinking ["they're the marrying type, not the dating type"] about somebody, it's usually because they're looking for a serious, long-term, probably leading to marriage type relationship, and I'm probably not. So while "you got serious about me quicker than I got serious about you" is accurate, it's potentially incomplete.

Sometimes it feels like the "marrying kind" type of guy is looking for any warm body that fits the bill, rather than looking for a friend and partner who specifically fits his individual quirks. It's like there's this billboard above his head saying "Someone please love me! I will unconditionally love and respect you, no matter who you are or what's wrong with you, and I will bow to your every whim, if only you'll please love me and be with me!"

This is commonly summarized as "desperate" or "too needy", even though I'm sure it's intended to come across as open and accepting and willing to love and care. Some men objectify women by seeing them as bodies to be lusted after and fucked. Some men objectify women by seeing them as golden goddesses to be worshiped. I'm neither a full-time fucktoy nor a full-time goddess, and either extreme really annoys me. If a man does not distinguish between the charms of the Remarkable Sainted Mary Sue Maureen Johnson, Jill Average, and Whiny Shrill Dull Cousin Agnes, and thinks they'd all be equally suited for him to court because They're All Women, Aren't They? then I feel like my unique strengths are utterly lost on him, and I also think he's in for a really nasty surprise when he realizes that Maureen is eventually going to get wrinkled, Jill isn't Maureen, and Agnes is a deadly bore.

(If a guy should be able to point out specific examples of things that attract him to all three women, like Jill is pretty and a good listener, Agnes has nice tits and can really sing and have you seen her artwork, and Maureen is not only drop-dead gorgeous but can beat him at Counterstrike, then I'd be more inclined to think that he can appreciate me for who I am. There's also a very real fear that if someone starts out thinking that I am Superwoman and learns otherwise, that he'll go all weird and ditch me for the next instance of Superwoman he finds. If someone demonstrates that he sees my faults, would really like it if I improved on them, but loves me for my strengths regardless, I'm not afraid of that.)

There's something very frightening about someone who's ready to sign away his whole soul on demand to the first taker, if she'll only agree to keep him. I would not touch this type of man with a ten-foot pole without some serious training in ethical lifestyle BDSM slave-keeping, and I'm not interested in being a lifestyle Mistress. I want a partner, not a good doggie.

I have a horror of being with someone who's going to bend over backwards for me and let me walk all over him without telling me if I've accidentally trod on his balls. I know that I am capable of petty viciousness if someone annoys me and then doesn't push back once I snap at them. That's not the kind of person I want to be. I'll never ever date anyone who I don't think is capable of emotionally defending themselves from my temper. I want someone who has his own mind and life, and is capable of telling me when to piss off if I don't take a subtle hint. After being told to piss off once or twice, I get the subtle hints. (He'd better catch on to my subtle hints too, or I'll have nothing to do with him either.)
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