Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

Too late, too early

Made fudge. Fudge did not work as well as it should have; it crystallized. Alas. Dad explained how you had to be very careful with that, but I did it wrong. I'll try again sometime.

When I was leaving, there was a skinny little cat on top of the car next to mine. It licked me and rubbed my hand. I don't know if it was stray or just out and friendly.

Tired. Stiff from too much floor internet. Moody and slightly sorrowful that there are things that many people have that I probably won't wind up having full-time. But I had what I had, and it was beautiful, and now it's time for me to see what else I can be.

And a nice shower has improved my mood. It'll do things like that, you know?

I've been in love. I've been a secondary parent for a while. I've been deeply depressed, and I still have to keep vigilant that I don't return there, because I never want to be there again. V said to me once that I've already had so many adventures that if I stopped right now, I'd still have enough to write about for the rest of my life. I know that. But I want to see what else there is. Cordelia listed off her litany of roles she had played in her life to Elena, and perhaps I'll take Elena's part.

I've had the brilliant happiness that some people will never, ever know in a relationship -- and I managed it without even quite the relationship. That's what I'm taking from this. It would be too easy to get annoyed and bitter and try to bury all traces of what once might have been, but I still have two solid things that came out of this: I have my memories of the sheer joy and brilliance that happens when I'm madly in love, and I have a best friend who's seen me through all kinds of crazy situations (and I've seen him through a few too). Those are both treasures, and they're freely mine to keep and cherish.

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