Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

The Chocolate Penis Saga

This starts out, somewhat predictably, with a bet. My cousin sent me an instant message one fine afternoon.
[12:53] Azz's Cousin: So... I lost a bet.
[12:53] Azz: oh?
[12:53] Azz's Cousin: do you know anything about casting edible molds?
[12:54] Azz: ... my mind just went a very bad place from that. Please tell me that the end result of the loss of this bet is not a chocolate penis.

I was hoping. Alas:
[12:55] Azz's Cousin: How did you guess?
[12:55] Azz: but for edible molds silicone is a common substance
[12:55] Azz: ... oh dear
[12:55] Azz: well, my mind automatically went to the worst place I could reasonably think of.

Since it is useless to fight against the inevitable, I considered my token protest to have been made, and climbed aboard the WTF train. My mother had needed to do some custom molding for a project when I was quite small, but I still retained a good working knowledge of some ways to avoid screwing up a molding process, and attempted to distill the essence of the lessons and impart wisdom. I knew there were create-a-dildo kits out there, and the general principle of their operation.
[12:56] Azz: one might do a two-step process. step one, the customized-dong-dildo process, for a ... shall we say, cooperative model for the eventual edible mold
[12:57] Azz's Cousin: is plaster edible?
[12:57] Azz: and then use the resulting dildo to make a silicone mold
[12:57] Azz's Cousin: oh... it does not set fast enough...
[12:58] Azz: if you're using plaster, and if you're planning to, like, make more than one, perhaps a create-a-dong, use the dong to cast a plaster cast, then paint the plaster cast with silicone so it's all nice and easy to pop chocolate out of
[12:59] Azz: I don't think plaster is toxic, but I wouldn't want it in my food.
[12:59] Azz: well, plaster that's been *set* I don't think is actively bad for one
[12:59] Azz: plaster powder that's waiting for water would be bad idea bears
[13:00] Azz's Cousin: how fast does plaster set? I think plaster with some kind of lubricating coating to keep it from sticking to the chocolate would be best.
[13:01] Azz: hmm
[13:01] Azz: not sure, it's been a while since I played with it
[13:01] Azz's Cousin: I'll ask the nice women at the art store on my way home...

Warning signals, of course, went off in my brain.
[13:02] Azz: and what sort of configuration do you plan on having the plaster in?
[13:02] Azz's Cousin: maybe tell them I want to make a chocolate fist...
[13:02] Azz's Cousin: not sure. I could eather do the plaster bandages, or a tube.

Oh, god.
[13:03] Azz: how are you going to get it out, then?
[13:03] Azz's Cousin: granny porn.

That hadn't been the question I'd been asking, but okay. (Oh god.)
[13:03] Azz: no no, the chocolate
[13:03] Azz's Cousin: oh... cut it? I would have to make more than one.
[13:03] Azz's Cousin: if I wanted more than one end result.
[13:04] Azz's Cousin: the bandages have the advantage of fast setting, but it might be hard to get detail...
[13:04] Azz: but as you are not planning on going into the chocolate dong business...
[13:04] Azz's Cousin: No, I don't think I will be making very many.

There were many ways for this to go wrong, but there was one obvious one I could help prevent.
[13:05] Azz: I would also advise putting some form of edible lubricant on yourself lest the plaster stick painfully
[13:05] Azz's Cousin: humm... wax?
[13:05] Azz's Cousin: like making those wax hands?
[13:05] Azz: wax actually sounds like it might be less of a problem
[13:06] Azz: though you'll have to be careful with the temperature
[13:06] Azz's Cousin: Yes...
[13:07] Azz's Cousin: but the chocoalte would melt the wax...
[13:07] Azz's Cousin: I don't know if I could get good chocolate with a low neough melting point.
[13:11] Azz's Cousin: I could always do multiple steps. Plaster cast, wax dildo, lost wax casting.
[13:11] Azz: Sounds like a good plan
[13:14] Azz: If you were going to go into production at this point, I might then suggest sawing the plaster cast in half, and seeing if you couldn't get a good one-sided silicone sheet mold for each side, then filling the molds and using molten chocolate to paste them together
[13:14] Azz: but that does sound like a bit of a bother for just one
[13:15] Azz's Cousin: I have to ask myself what is my real goal here? Fun or a chocolate penis?

I knew I could not go this one alone. It took some doing to condense this into 140 or fewer characters.
1:17pm Azz: If anyone has any tips or tricks on making a custom-cast chocolate penis (replica of specific, not generic) please share. (friend lost bet)

Twitter responses began to pour in, both practical and ... not so.
domtheknight: @azurelunatic i... would probably make a mold of the original, because setting chocolate in molds is super easy.
mayerman: @azurelunatic ....i really, really don't want to know.
Azz: @mayerman Don't worry, the bet wasn't with me. He's merely begging my advice.
thecatwasnot: @azurelunatic favorite tweet so far, YOU WIN
nudaydreamer: @azurelunatic Apparently they're quite easy to carve out of potatoes. Just sayin'.
Azz: @nudaydreamer I'm not sure if his carving is good enough to capture the likeness of his own, though. It's supposed to be his.
nudaydreamer: @azurelunatic All he has to do is send some pix to that crazy lady and she'll do it for him! He should specify he wants it back unused tho.
Azz: @nudaydreamer *snerk* I seem to vaguely recall something that might have been the original incident, but no details.
domtheknight: @azurelunatic some generic info on making molds:

Armed with helpful advice from Twitter (finally!) I contacted my cousin. I was still in favor of silicone molds being used.
[13:26] Azz:
[13:26] Azz's Cousin: SFW?
[13:27] Azz: yes
[13:27] Azz's Cousin: Silicone is known for its ability to withstand temperature changes, ease of molding, low shrinkage, accuracy in reproducing fine details, and its ability to remain flexible.
[13:28] Azz's Cousin: low shrinkage takes on new importance in this case.
[13:28] Azz: heh
[13:30] Azz's Cousin: I think making a plaster/wax casting first and then a silicone mold from there.
[13:31] Azz's Cousin: I can't stay up for 24 hour set time.

This takes on horrifying new meaning in addition to the mere all-nighter implications.
[13:31] Azz: as well you shouldn't
[13:38] Azz's Cousin: off to the art store!

Twitter continued to pour in helpful advice and commentary.
pir_anha: @azurelunatic silicone molds. there's a product to repro specific penis as a dildo, like
domtheknight: @azurelunatic [Edit: this can now be found at]
Azz: domtheknight ...and I submitted it even. Dear me.
Azz: And @domtheknight reminds me "Apparently they're quite easy to carve out of potatoes."
mayerman: @nudaydreamer @azurelunatic for some reason i am unsurprised that maura knew that >_>
Azz: I've been linked to and for help with my friend's bet
domtheknight: @azurelunatic boss just totally saw me looking at the first one. but i think it might be better than the link i gave.

JD, meanwhile, is flying in; I head off to the airport to retrieve him, and give him a briefing on that sort of day I have been having. We settle in, and I am greeted with:
[15:58] Azz's Cousin: My conservative religious friend just IMed me asking what I was doing tonight...
[15:58] Azz's Cousin: I don't think he wants to hear
[16:44] Azz: probably not.
[16:44] Azz: if you have to go to the hospital I am going to hear about this from your mom.
[16:45] Azz's Cousin: The modeling clay did not work out so well. I am going to try the plaster strips after all.

I begin quoting parts of this across the room at JD, in between helpless spasms of laughter.
[16:46] Azz: JD recommends like vasaline or something to keep the plaster from sticking
[16:46] Azz's Cousin: Yeah. that's the plan.
[16:47] Azz's Cousin: It is really hard to keep an erection with modeling clay... I need a fluffer....
[16:48] Azz: I don't think you'd be able to get JD to volunteer
[16:48] *** Auto-response from Azz's Cousin: You really don't want to know. I need a fluffer.

JD's commentary at this juncture has not been preserved.
[16:53] Azz's Cousin: My dad's advice: "Be careful, I would hope that your penis is special to you and that you want many years of service out of it."
[16:54] Azz: Very wise advice.

I have, meanwhile, completely lost the ability to breathe.
[17:08] Azz's Cousin: *sigh* that's the first time I have had erectile dysfunction.

I check back in.
[18:24] Azz: How's it going?
[18:24] Azz's Cousin:
[18:24] Azz's Cousin: my dad sent that to me.
[18:25] Azz: like, ordered for you, or linked you to?
[18:25] Azz's Cousin: linked

Twitter, of course, needs to hear about this.
Azz: For all your chocolate penis-molding needs:
teshiron: @azurelunatic OMG, there's a commercial product for that? >.<

I Google a bit, now that I'm armed with a product name. I report my findings back to my cousin.
[18:40] Azz:

And Twitter.
Azz: @teshiron It turns out that his dad's google-fu may be better than mine.
Azz: And the chocolate clone-a-willy kit reviewed by!
Durandal15873: @azurelunatic who lost the bet?
Azz: @Durandal15873 My friend lost the bet. I don't know who won the bet, but my friend sure lost.
Durandal15873: @azurelunatic see, now I wanna know about said bet

So do I.
[23:02] * Azz|stt is sitting almost within pillow-walloping distance of JD
[23:03] rb: rahaeli! You're back! ursie! Skud! Peoples are back here! \o/
[23:03] rahaeli: i am back, yes!
[23:03] durandal-corruptorofinnocents: Azz: are there cocks involved?
[23:03] Azz|stt: durandal, no, the chocolate scale model incident has been resolved without our intervention
[23:04] durandal-corruptorofinnocents: Azz: ok.....

[16:47] Azz's Cousin: They were right. it queefed when it came off.
[16:53] Azz: I am unsurprised.
[16:55] Azz's Cousin: I did not get the head thick enough so it bent a bit
[16:56] Azz: what's the next step?
[16:56] Azz: (and I hope you are going to use proper chocolate, not whatever garbage came with the kit?)
[16:57] Azz's Cousin: I did not get a kit.
[16:57] Azz: What sort of setup did you use?
[16:58] Azz's Cousin: sweet! this stuff is food grade platinum based silicone mold rubber. I thought it was some knockoff.

IRC, clearly, needs to know.
[17:24] Azz: (and in the department of things that I probably did not need to know but wound up knowing anyway and would have wanted to know for the sake of my curiosity, my cousin has obtained food-grade silicone mold rubber.)
[17:26] * edgeraven blinks.
[17:27] edgeraven: I don't think I want to know for what.
[17:28] Azz: If you follow my Twitter you have probably already jumped to the correct conclusion.

[21:41] Azz's Cousin: Humm... the cut in the mold is not as even as I would like, I think my cock is going to need caulking.
[21:41] Azz: Probably.
[21:42] Azz's Cousin: Oh well. should I give it a try tonight with wax? or wait until tomorrow when I have chocolate?

It is after 9. Trader Joe's, our usual source of chocolate, is closed. However...! I glance in the direction of my kitchen counter, on which is two newly purchased bars of chocolate, and in the direction of my kitchen cabinet, which holds more.
[21:43] Azz: how much chocolate is it going to need?
[21:43] Azz's Cousin: um... a cock's worth and a bit?

I don't know the volume of my cousin's cock. This has never been an issue before.
[21:44] Azz: I might have enough on hand
[21:44] Azz's Cousin: Oh? do you want to come help?
[21:44] Azz: would I miss this for the world?
[21:45] Azz's Cousin: Yes, but maybe not for just 3/4 of the world.

I howl with laughter. I find the chocolate.
[21:51] Azz's Cousin: all right... I should go take a shower. You are welcome to come help if you want? or I may just give it a try with wax to see where I need to work on the mold.
[21:51] Azz: I'll be over in a bit

I make my farewells to IRC.
[21:51] Azz|overthefloor: okay, heading over to my aunt's with chocolate
[21:51] JD: for your cousin?
[21:51] Azz|overthefloor: yes
[21:51] JD: heeee. i was only half-serious :x
[21:51] edgeraven: :D
[21:52] JD: do keep us updated on the Saga of the Chocolate Penis, though
[21:53] Azz|overthefloor: I do not think that I would trade my family even if I could

I didn't quite know what to expect: would my cousin be doing this furtively in the dark of night after both parents were in bed? When I arrived, I called his cellphone. He came down and let me in. My pajama-clad aunt was wandering about, and my uncle was puttering in the garage. My aunt was surprised to see me. I explained that I was on a mission of mercy, and came bearing chocolate.

My aunt's confusion was lifted. Of course. I was there for the chocolate penis project. She thought it hilarious.

I have brought almost all the chocolate in the apartment.

Four blocks of Trader Joe's chocolate (Pound Plus, 2 milk, 1 dark, 1 72%)

Rather than something that can be poured into a tube, the silicone that my cousin used was evidently a sort that one globs up and sticks on things. Also bright yellow. This invited obvious comparisons with a banana.

Both halves of the mold, on the kitchen counter next to a banana. Apparently my cousin is circumcised.

I made sure to get a close-up shot.

Close-up of the bright yellow silicone mold halves. They were formed by putting globs of silicone mold material all around the erect penis, then the original form was cut in half lengthwise and the open ends closed off with more silicone, for a sort of hollowed-log canoe effect, except yellow, silicone, and phallic.

"Get a picture with a cucumber!" my aunt said, brandishing one.

Both halves of the mold placed alongside a cucumber. The cucumber is huge, dwarfing the mold

Before anything else could happen, the molds needed sterilizing. It was boiling water time.

Half of the mold being lowered with tongs into a large pot full of water. The clock on the stove reveals it is 10:25 (PM). />

They boiled away happily.

Steam rises from the surface of the water in the pot. Bubbles are starting to form.

After they had boiled a sufficient amount of time, my cousin commandeered a metal bowl (from Deacon), washed it thoroughly, and commenced melting chocolate over the conveniently boiling water.

Squares of dark chocolate begin to melt in the stainless-steel bowl.

Breaking chocolate -- we used "dark" and "72%", half and half, two rows of squares each.

A white man in a black bathrobe breaks a larger chunk of chocolate into squares. Only his hands are visible in the shot.

My cousin poses smugly with chocolate on a spoon. He's trying to look innocent.

The same man turns to smile at the camera over his shoulder. His dark hair is cut close to his head. He shares a slight family resemblance to Azz in the hair color, and shape of ears, nose, and eyebrows. He holds a spoon covered in chocolate, raises his eyebrows, and smirks. He might appear as if he is not up to something if you are a stranger, but his family knows better.

Melting chocolate again.

The rich dark chocolate is a quarter melted in the bowl.

When my cousin saw that I was aiming the camera at him, he poked his finger into his cheek for full effect.

My cousin sucks chocolate off his index finger somewhat pornographically.

My aunt, of course, thinks this is the funniest thing ever. She is also considering throwing a lemon party.

My aunt is a tiny woman in her mid-50s with salt and pepper hair in a tapered pageboy bob. She is laughing so hard her eyes are half-shut. She is wearing a knit blue and green striped pajama top and holds a crisper drawer full of lemons.

Half the mold, with two limes.

One of the halves of the mold lies on the counter, with two limes placed next to it to resemble testicles.

Holding the mold.

My cousin smirks and holds out a hand with one half of the mold.

Finding room in the freezer to chill the mold while the chocolate melts.

My cousin crouches, peering into the crowded freezer compartment at the bottom of the refrigerator. The upper door is closed and covered with word magnets.

This is harder than it looks.

A close-up of the packed freezer. It does not appear to have any free space, but the mold has been jammed in a crevice.

There are a few inquiries I've been planning to make of my cousin. This is as good a time as any.

"What was the bet, anyway?"

He tells the sordid tale. It seems that a straight friend of his was the subject of the bet: he bet her that she could not seduce another female.

Further inquiry elicits details: said friend is colorfully described as a "two-beer queer" (my internal monitor of problematic language cringes even as I continue to laugh), and furthermore, this was a bet carefully picked: my cousin knew it would be a losing bet before he made it.

"What were the terms of the payoff, anyway?" I inquire.

"A chocolate bar."

I stare at him.

"I'm being a sore loser."

On a bet he knew he would lose in the first place, before he made it. Yes.

Chocolate is almost ready.

The chocolate in the stainless steel bowl is molten and rich and brown. My cousin's hand is visible stirring.

The chilled molds are ready to receive their piping-hot chocolate...

My cousin looks intently at the mold as he sets it down on a baking tray covered in waxed paper.

...almost. They won't lie flat on their own.

Indeed, the bottom of the mold is curved, pointing up at the tip in accordance with the natural taper and curve of the penis.

My cousin fetches modeling clay.

My cousin squeezes modeling clay unseen in his clenched fists; a larger hunk of red modeling clay sits on the counter.

I have a sudden, horrifying thought. "Is that unused modeling clay?" I ask, hearkening back to one of the earlier, unsuccessful molding trials.

One half of the mold is wedged into place with a blob of red modeling clay to keep it from tipping. My cousin works another piece.

My cousin assures me that it is, indeed, virgin unused, and begins spooning hot chocolate into the molds.

My cousin holds the bowl of chocolate and scoops a spoonful out, his huge hairy hand obscuring half the frame. In the background, one half of the mold is empty and the other partially filled.

One and a half filled, half to go.

This shot is better-composed, with a good look at the bowl of chocolate and the two halves of the mold as well as my cousin's hand. One half of the mold is perfectly full; the other is mostly full. The pot of water that had been heating the chocolate steams to one side.

Smoothing out the tops.

My cousin addresses the top of the chocolate in the molds, smoothing it with the back of a spoon.

Om nom nom chocolate.

My cousin scoops chocolate from a spoon with his finger.

My cousin sucks chocolate off his finger.

Great! Filled!

Both halves of the mold standing in their glory on the baking sheet, set atop the stove for the moment.

Fridge time!

My cousin holds the baking tray as he grasps the refrigerator door to open it.

My cousin slides the tray into the refrigerator, balancing it on top of a metal food storage box in there.

After they were cool enough to not spill all over, we sped up the cooling in the freezer.

Looking over my cousin's shoulder at the freezer and the filled mold there-in.

Taking the dong-halves out of the mold!

My cousin looks intently at his work as he pries at the mold in his hands.


A closer look; we can see the chocolate in the mold this time.


My cousin sets down the empty half mold with his left hand, displaying the chocolate half-penis in his right. The other mold, not yet emptied, stands near.

And lo!

My cousin holds the half-penis upright, held between fingertips and thumb. One can see a slightly veiny texture to the chocolate if one looks closely.

Time for the other half!

My cousin bends to work at prying the second half from the mold, with the first half and its mold lying nearby.

Will they fit together? Yes!

My cousin presses the halves of the chocolate penis together. His hands are smudged with chocolate.

A bit of water must have still been in the mold; the tip is slightly not-right.

A shot of the tip of the chocolate penis; there is a lighter line horizontal to where the urethra would have bee visible if the mold hadn't been split.

Just lying there harmlessly!

The halves sit on the counter half lined up.

Time to glue them together with molten chocolate.

My cousin holds one half and spreads molten chocolate on it with a spoon. The other half lies on the baking tray in the background.

It's sticking, but the crack will need to be filled.

My cousin holds up the chocolate penis. There is a small but visible crack between the halves.

Chocolate can be used like putty.

My cousin smooths molten chocolate into the crack.


My cousin holds up the chocolate penis proudly. There is a color difference between the cold chocolate and the new warm chocolate.

One final round with the refrigerator to set it...

My cousin stands before the refrigerator.

...and my uncle may be very surprised come morning!

A close-up shot of the chocolate penis inside the refrigerator on top of one of the metal boxes. Some of the warm chocolate still glistens.

There is still chocolate left over. I am used to dealing with situations like this. A splash of raspberry-flavored booze and some vigorous stirring later, there is a small container of chocolate-raspberry truffle center ready to be deployed in some future creative event.

I make my farewells and head home, still giggling.

[00:15] Azz|overthefloor: The chocolate project has been completed.
[00:15] edgeraven: Oh my.
[00:20] Azz|overthefloor: MissKaaaat I took piiiictures
[01:08] Azz: all right. THIS is the gallery of the NSFW project; one must be logged in to LJ to see this.
[01:11] Azz: (ordinarily I would not necessarily have it secured, but my father reads my journal.)
[01:11] JD: :X

My aunt advises me that there was then a banana cream cake, with an alarming number of balls (made from the raspberry truffle) and penes (yes, more than one) on top.

And it just continues...

Funfetti white chocolate penis -- colored nonpareils are visible in a white chocolate matrix in the same penis mold. A little of the white chocolate or frosting used to secure the halves together has beaded out along the head, as if semen had dripped out.

(Share with discretion. I don't really need my dad in this if he doesn't read DW.)

[update 6/23: a double-ended one.

Two chocolate penes fastened end to end, to form a gently curving chocolate double dong.


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Tags: beverage warning, chocolate, humor, illustrated, loldongs, that's me in the spotlight

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