Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

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Woe ass!

Note: I have also shared this with [community profile] beginningcocks, so if you watch both me and that, you will likely see this twice.

Heavy metal cure for constipation

Woe ass! He wanted to get rid of constipation with a hammer!

A man aged 40 years in River falls directly on first place in the top of most uninspired characters who acted in a fix! He ate all the cherries with stone, was constipated and thought of his stick as a hammer to break ass pit! He stayed three days with two hammers in the anus and the handle of beer mugs. And he brought himself in desperate attempt to escape ... constipation.

Synthesized from a number of sources, including some of them via Google Translate. I've left some of the weird translated phrasings in place.

The Austrian Times, BoingBoing,,,, Things I Learn From My Patients, sf_drama.

As these x-ray pictures show a Romanian man had a heavyweight way of dealing with a bad case of constipation.

Viorel Firoiu, a 48-year-old man of the village Olteana Orlea in Olt County, turned up at the local general hospital in Orlea, southern Romania, complaining of incredible abdominal pains.

Doctors who carried out an x-ray of the man were amazed to find not one but two hammerheads stuck up his backside.

X-Ray photo of the hammer heads inside the man's intestines.

Dr Cristina Bontescu, spokeswoman for the local hospital where he turned up at the emergency unit, said: "He was a bit drunk and said he had been eating cherries that had left him badly constipated. He said he had a few drinks to dull the pain and then came up with the idea of poking a hammerhead up his backside in the hope of sorting out the constipation.

"But the hammerhead got stuck and then he came up with the idea of using a second hammerhead in order to try and get out the first - but then he lost the second one as well."

Unfortunate individual to state no less than three days so, being transported, eventually, in serious condition, the hospital district of Slatina. After a very difficult man can breathe now eased.

Doctors had to perform surgery to remove the two hammerheads. Doctors who operated on him man of 40 years have recovered two hammers, but have found the thick handle a draft, which the patient keep mum. Shock, doctors say the man may die from complications.

Man hiding from cameras in hospital bed

Man says he turned to this method in desperate attempt to get rid of constipation.

From the hospital bed, Viorel Firoiu recounted that after he ate the sauce was sour and stomach began to hurt him terribly. "Am desfacut un borcan de compot de visine. Am mancat fructele cu tot cu samburi si m-am constipat. Cand am vazut ca imi este rau, am incercat sa scap de samburi We spread a jar of sour cherry compote. I ate fruit all stone and I was constipated. When I saw that I feel sick, I tried to get rid of stones," he told the man, who explained at length how he tried to do that.

"M-am constipat si am bagat un ciocan, sa sparg samburii. M-am gandit sa leg un ciocan cu o sfoara si mi l-am bagat in fund. Voiam sa agat samburii, sa-i scot. Cand am tras, sa rupt sfoara si am ramas cu ciocanul in fund. Am mai incercat o data I was constipated and I put a hammer to break the seeds. I thought to tie a rope with a hammer and I shoved my ass. I wanted to agate pit was one of them out. When I pulled the rope broke and I was hammered in the ass. I tried once more," Viorel Firoiu said, ashamed.

Two mallet hammer heads, retrieved from an unfortunate man who shoved them up his backside while drunk.

Asked how did such a performance, when there are so many other means anti-constipation, MC Hammer of Oltenia said he was drunk and not know what to think but still: "Cu grija, puteam sa bag si mai multe ciocane Careful, I could stick and several hammers," he said.

The best comments from sf_drama, BoingBoing and The Sun:

buncha_cruncha hopes it wasn't too sharp:
I'm imagining him sitting there with two hammers, trying to decide which one to use, and finally he's like, "You know what? If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it RIGHT," and picks the clawed one.

mousekinn isn't an expert:
And somehow i think shoving a hammer in your pooper isn't going to help constipation.


ill lich says:
Of course it didn't work, hammers are for diarrhea; for constipation you're supposed to used an adze.

(and the difference between the two is a semicolon.)

paraxeni proposes:
That would be a hell of a clinical research hypothesis though, wouldn't it? "Investigating the reversal of constipation. Mechanism - hammers PR" It may be a little hard to gain funding though, unless the researchers asked B&Q or Lowes or someone like that.

Brother Provisional notes:
I've never gotten constipated from eating too many cherries. Quite the opposite, in fact, but I'm sure the diuretic effects of alcohol consumption played a part in this gentleman's discomforting digestive condition.
Let this be a lesson to all of us: Drink plenty of water when consuming alcohol, or you could very well end up with foreign objects in your lower intestines.

There's a Romanian saying: "Cui pe cui se scoate" which means "You can get a nail out by using another nail." (literal translation). To give you a taste of what it actually means: you can recover from a hangover by drinking more. This will help you get in his train of thought. :)

Gilbert Wham:
I heard a girl in our office the other day saying to the IT guy, 'I know I broke it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't need fixing, now does it?'
Presumably, a similar response is the only face you could save in A&E if this is why you went in is to be completely unapologetic; 'Yes, I know there are TWO hammers up my ass. That's why I'm here. Please remove them, as that is why YOU are here.'

cookie_faerie can't resist:
The hammer is my penis.

The Sun:
After his drunken episode we're sure Firoiu won't be getting hammered again for a while.

letitrainblue helpfully translates the video:
This is basically the translation, excuses for bad grammar I find it easier to express myself freely

DOC: You can see one of the hammers in this x-ray, the metallic part of it, and over here the second one which has also a part of the handle, you cn see the wood from the handle, which was introduced through his rectum through here and downwards, and later they repositioned themselves.

REPORTER: ER doctors have listened to the unbelievable story of this 40 year old man

MAN: I was drunk. I ate 800 grams of cherries and I swallowed the seeds and I got constipated. I shoved the hammers to break the seeds.

REPORTER: Why two hammers?

MAN: I could have shoved more!

REPORTER: He told us that he wanted to break the seeds by introducing in his anus a hammer. Not being satisfied with the result, he introduced a second one with a handle and a string attached to it, but the string broke and the handle detached from the metal part.

DOC: medical blah blah that I can't translate .... He had them for 3 days. We performed surgery and we also discovered a beer mug handle which he said nothing about.

And the text from the right says A man from Olt (it's a district) and there is also a river named Olt as well.

More bad butt decisions:

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