There was an LJ Question of the Day about ending friendships, and some stuff on my friends list riffing on the "friends of X are no friends of mine" concept. I like to think of myself as reasonably rational on that front, but there have been a couple instances where I had to declare (either internally or externally) a separation.
It's pretty much never black and white. I will often stay friends with both sides of a problematic situation when I think that there's equal fault on both sides, or when none of the fault on either side violates a particular hard-line principle of mine. Sometimes there hasn't been a horrible violation of principle, but in the balance of things I wasn't very attached to them, and this tipped it past my wanting to stay connected.
Not all the dropping-of-friendships is showy or dramatic. Sometimes I just disappear with no explanation given, or stop interacting and then remove them from various social media services the next time I clean up.
There are two people where I've felt the need to ensure as clean a break as possible between them and me, including the dreaded "friends of X are no friends of mine" thing.
One of these men is a rapist. He isolated a woman from her support networks and coerced her into sex with him. When it became apparent that he would be raping her whether she fought or not, she did not fight. Hindsight shows me that it is likely that there was a previous attempt, foiled by the other people present not leaving her alone: she came over all dizzy at a coffee shop, and he was willing to stay with her while others went and got someone to drive her and her car home. Other people stayed with her too. After the rape, he tried to blackmail her. I hope he dies.
One of these men is a bully, who derives what seems to be most of his entertainment from the suffering of others; if others do not generate enough lulz on their own, he provokes them, or causes his agents to provoke the targets he has identified. This habit is well-enough established that I do not think he is likely to change. May the natural consequences of his actions come back to bite him in the ass.
Any friend of them is no friend of mine.
The US right-wing war on women blindsided me, and I wound up sobbing frantically to a few friends. I am afraid to be a woman in the United States. I am afraid to be a poor woman in the United States. My family is relatively well-off. I am white. I am still afraid. It is undoubtedly worse for people without those advantages.
Happily, JD came over, and we went flappyhands at each other. I picked him up from BART and took him to my favorite bakery. We then repaired back to their place and there was fun with eggplant.
I believe I went over to my aunt's. I know I was in Google Reader, and spent time with the chatfish, and plotted some stuff about Mike and his unfortunate history with computers.
I advised some of the chatfish about my tips on reading Twilight. I may not think much of certain aspects of the writing, but at least I'm informed, and I think there are very entertaining aspects to the books. Bella's internal monologues and purple prose can be treated as a hilarious portrait of self-absorbed teenager-in-love behavior.
(Related: I do not think that it is a bad thing for people to look at the description of a thing and declare "The contents of this thing as described to me are pretty much guaranteed to make me react badly and/or bore me stupid. The elements contained within are not something I tend to react well to, and I see no need to expose myself to this particular iteration. Furthermore, here are many of the general problems with this particular assemblage of tropes." I have a sensitivity to walnuts, such that a piece of walnut the size of a pinhead will start to painfully inflame the tissues of the roof of my mouth, leaving them tender and raw and hurting to eat for up to a day afterward. I do not need to eat that piece of beautifully browned baklava dripping with honey to know that I will react badly to it, because it has walnuts in it. There's always the chance that the person telling me the ingredients was misinformed, and it was made with pistachios or pecans, and I was missing out on something glorious by not eating it. However, I will take the chance that I am missing out, because my reaction to walnuts is so very painful that it just fucks up my whole day.)
I picked up Tif in the gloriously damp and grey San Francisco morning, and we headed over to my aunt's house, for an afternoon of crafts. Toward the end, Tif noticed that a gluten free cupcake shop on the other side of the Bay was having a 50% off sale if you came in and quoted the right phrase. We looked at their closing time, the clock, each other, and I
We stopped off for coffee. We were ... very cheerful. Then we ran errands. Tif broke out a playlist, and there was some R.E.M. on there, and in context it made me bust the fuck up laughing. You probably had to have been there.
I called Amber on the way home. "The story of the broken and very lost condom" is, surprisingly, not a Shawn story. Let's just say that I'm glad I made it out of my youthful shenanigans intact.
I continued watching Downton Abbey.
1:16 PM 1/31/2011
(from a comment, taken out of context; the context involves a relationship with some insecurity)
Someone I know said once that if you had to tell someone how to treat you properly, if you had to make rules for them to follow in order that they should treat you properly, it meant that the relationship was doomed, because if someone has to be given rules to follow in order that they should behave respectfully and considerately, then there's no hope for them, but I think while the sentiment is useful, the actual letter of that statement is absolute rubbish.
If someone does not see why others should be treated respectfully and considerately, there's no hope for them. However, working out the exact details of what all parties concerned consider respectful and considerate, there's something that's actually not all that intuitive unless the people in question have been raised with the exact same set of social values, and have learned to read each other's minds.
I took a call from an employment agency headhunter, and scrambled. Happily, I had been compiling a table of job information and such, so it was not such a strain as I had feared to get myself prepared for the interview, which was to be the following day.
[21:50] <JDC> hey guys. stop talking about ipv6 so much. it makes ryan want to be all ~*~cutting edge~*~. while i was napping he switched the router to ipv6 and fucked everything up >_>
[21:50] <JDC> (it's back to normal now, though.)