Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic
azurelunatic

Boundaries & Too Much of the Self (copy/paste of comment)

I don't think it's so much destruct-testing as the slow unleashing of myself. The self I am around most people is very highly restrained. In destruct-testing, I would go deliberately looking for things that might or might not piss him off, and do them to see if they would.

This, and most of my other griefs with him, seem to be the result of those things getting out that we usually discuss, afterwards, in this fashion: "I'm sorry," I say. "For being human?" he asks. On the occasions when I continue with, "I'm still sorry," he insists that "We're all human. None of us are perfect," and continues with some bit of himself that he perceives that I'm none too thrilled with.

It's the "Do you love me when my clothes are off and the lights are on" procedure, I guess. We've all got those human, not-too-loveable traits, the things that we just keep doing that are a part of us: everybody's irritating little habits. Votania doesn't adhere to my particular order of putting stuff in the dishwasher; she just puts stuff in any old which way. (They still fit in there, and get washed; it's just a little thing that occasionally grumps me if I'm in a bad mood.) Adam forgot to put the seat down on the toilet. I will insist upon cleaning out my nose with Q-tips when blowing it is just not enough.

I do tend to destruct-test the "Hi, this is me!" procedure with brand-new friends. "Hi, I'm a bisexual Wiccan polyamorous sci-fi fan who has in the past had multiple personalities and may have them at the moment. Nice to meet you!" The people who will get scared and run away, I have just destruct-tested out of a friendship. Little by little over time, I show more of the bits of myself that always come out when I'm alone, and come out more or less depending on who else I'm around.

Most relationships that I have get the comfort level, the leashed-ness level, defined fairly early on. There's a standard set of myself that I use in a professional setting, for example, akin to the manners I'd use at a formal resturant, which occasionally do not make an exact match to the manners I'd use at a picnic. Slowly, the boundaries may either relax, or be tightened, but almost always, after a period of settling, they are defined at a general level, and there, unless something happens to disturb things, they stay.

Darkside and I are still slowly getting to know each other, and our boundaries have not yet reached their equilibrium point. Unfortunately, our boundaries have a tendancy to vary in some places, and physical contact is one of them. Some days I may not be huggy at all. Some days, I may be hugging all over the place. Some days, he may not mind. Some days he does mind; sometimes it varies (for either of us) by the minute. Sometimes we give each other advanced warning when our mood shifts; sometimes we don't. It's the times that we don't that we have trouble. When my personalities shift around, I have to learn a whole new set of my own responses, and how I'm likely to interact with him.

I'm going to try to start documenting who I am when I do things that piss him off, and what else has been going on then, to see if I can't get a better idea of how I do what I do, and from there to the why.

In most relationships, where there's an accidental one of those "too much of myself" moments, whether it be informational or otherwise, the incident is logged and rarely, if ever, repeated. Much of the time, with me, and very probably with him, we keep other people at a great enough distance so little oversteps of the boundaries are noted with very little personal impact, a *thunk* "Ok, don't do that again." With Darkside and me, we've gotten close enough so a small motion may wind up with someone's fingers sticking up someone else's nose, and a general confusion as to how, exactly, we got there.
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